On marathons, wombat poo, and irregular verbs
It's monday. We all need cheering up. Here are five things vaguely related to wine that will cheer you up and make you sound impressive at dinner. (Available as a commutable podcast too)
Looking for a speaker for your corporate dinner or conference? I am available and come warmly recommended. In fact I’ve never done an event I’ve not been invited back to do again. DM me for dates and rates (surprisingly reasonable).
1. Wine is race fuel
Isotonic drinks and glucose gels will be the usual mid-race fare for marathon competitors at the Paris Olympics this summer, but the standard refreshment for runners at the Games 100 years ago was somewhat different — large glasses of red wine.
A remarkable story in The Times last week, about how marathon runners in the 1924 Paris Olympics appear to have been drinking red wine during the race. This has been revealed by colorising old black and white films of the event. The story may appear extraordinary, but there’s quite a tradition of doing this. Although maybe not at the Olympics. My chum Tom Gilbey ran the London Marathon this weekend doing blind tastings every mile as he went around. (His instagram account is a hilarious must-follow for wine fans and you can support his extraordinary effort with a donation to Sobell House Hospice here)
I too have done something similar, running the Marathon du Medoc, filmed on The Wine Show. I describe the experience in a chapter of this wonderful book, On Bordeaux. Not least how I ended up having dehydrated fits afterwards in hospital to the horror of the producer. Drink wine if you must. But do NOT wear a four layer Obi Wine Kenobi costume to run a marathon in 32 degrees.
(A side note, one of the timekeepers in those 1924 games was an ancestor of mine, Antonio (Tony) Fattorini. They were the “Chariots of Fire” games, and he was a chum of Pierre de Coubertin, the founder of the modern Olympic Games movement.)
2. Mr Wine
The oldest-known wombat in the world is shuffling toward his mid-30s, exceeding the average wild wombat's age by an estimated 20 years. The marsupial — called Wain, and also known as Mr Wine — started life at Cradle Mountain in Tasmania but has spent most of his life in Japan
I’ve waited more than a year writing this substack for an opportunity to have a picture of a Wombat. Genuinely the coolest and most amusing animal in the world. Also the only species to produce cuboid faeces. I’ve also waited more than a year to write that sentence. Thank you Mr Wine, the world’s oldest wombat and square shitter for the excuse.
3. Update from Bordeaux En Primeur week #1
It’s the time of the year when critics and merchants go to Bordeaux to tastes wines that are too young to drink, in blends that will never be bottled, at prices you can't afford, sold to people who will never drink them. Yes it’s En Primeur week. Call me a cynic if you want. But the greatest Cynic was Diogenes who lived in a wine barrel. I’ll take it as a complement. This is either (a) the most important week in the wine trade year, assessing the virtues or otherwise of last year’s vintage or (b) a merry-go-round of lunches and tasting of wines that may never be made used to justify insanely high prices (delete as appropriate).
As you might imagine, I’ve not been invited. But anyway, here’s a helpful glossary to understand the resulting tasting notes:
'Firm' - you'll need new dentures
'Fresh' - you'll need a new tongue
'Frost in April' - there's almost no wine
'Rain in September' - there's lots of wine, but it tastes like over-diluted blackcurrant cordial
'A challenging vintage' - last August's weather resembled The Rapture
'A perfect vintage' – remortgage your house per case required
'Meticulous winemaking was rewarded' - DO NOT IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES buy anyone's second wines where they used all the rubbish they threw out from their best wines
'Early drinking' - this is LITERALLY the best thing I could think of to say about these wines
'Will reward time in the cellar' - do not buy this wine if you are over forty. It will come good for your grandchildren.
4. Update from Bordeaux en primeur week #2
There will be many hundreds of reports, on thousands of wines, using millions of words written in the next few weeks. Most can be boiled down to this highly irregular verb.
I am right
You are wrong
He is deluded
It is tannic
We were pleasantly surprised
You can't afford them
They will sell quickly, so registering your interest early is well-advised.
5. L’Affair Pavie
What follows is an extract from a book chapter that was never published. I suspect it was felt to be a little bit too… spikey. Anyway, it was a news story, and it’s true. So you can enjoy it here. If you do enjoy it, let me know. I’ve an even spikier bit that my agent said I was on no account to publish. Ever. If enough of you ask, I’ll do it next week.
'L'affaire Pavie' was the newsworthy spat between two ur-critics who disagreed during en primeur week in the Spring of 2004 about Chateau Pavie 2003. It's worth remembering what 2003 was like. It was the sort of record-breaking, stifling, baking, extraordinarily hot summer we had before every summer became record-breaking, stifling, baking and extraordinarily hot. Vines suffered, as indeed did people. Almost 15,000 people died in the heat in France that summer. There were so many heat-related deaths in Paris that undertakers had to rent refrigeration space for the bodies. At one point the authorities buried fifty-seven unclaimed corpses to make room for more in the fridges. It seems poor taste to leap from this to vintage assessments. But you know… Bordelais winemakers had a tough year too.
In the following April, as families mourned mostly elderly relatives who'd died eight months earlier, critics assembled to assess the wines of that previous tough vintage. One wine in particular received 'mixed reviews'. In the British corner was Jancis Robinson MW, the voice of the UK palate, and the most prolific and - for many people - most authoritative voice in the world of wine.
“Completely unappetising overripe aromas. Why? Porty sweet. Port is best from the Douro not St. Emilion. Ridiculous wine more reminiscent of a late-harvest Zinfandel than a red Bordeaux with its unappetising green notes”
…was her assessment. And if you were still thinking she was sitting on the fence about this, she gave it 12 out of 20. Essentially a score for a flawed wine.
In the American corner was Robert Parker. The most influential voice in Bordeaux en primeurs and trailblazer for a more hedonistic, generous style of wine. A style that seemed to particularly appeal in the US, where Parker is from, and where he is much revered.
“Another off the chart effort... a wine of sublime richness, minerality, delineation, and nobleness... provocative aromas of minerals, black and red fruits, balsamic vinegar, licorice, and smoke. It traverses the palate with extraordinary richness as well as remarkable freshness and definition... A brilliant effort...one of the three greatest offerings of the right bank in 2003.”
Like I said. Mixed reviews.
Where it got really nasty was that Parker accused Robinson of having a long-standing dislike of the wine. He said this was part of a pattern of 'nasty swipes' at the estate and its winemaker, Gérard Perse. And mirrored 'the comments of…reactionaries in Bordeaux’
Suddenly the wine playground was filled with fans and detractors of the two rivals shouting 'Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!'
Jancis Robinson insisted she had tasted the wine blind. 'I have witnesses'. Parker disagreed:
‘Pavie is the only premier grand cru estate to use an antique form of bottle that…even when covered up, stands out like a black sheep’
Jancis came back on her website.
'As it happens, the Ch Pavie cask sample I tasted, at an official UGC tasting, was not in a particularly heavy bottle or not so far as I noticed, and there is no reason for a cask sample to be put in the bottle in which it will finally be sold.'
If this all reads a bit handbags-at-dawn (bottle bags?) it's worth remembering there's a lot of money riding on this. These critics' en primeur scores can make or break a wine. If Jancis hates it - lots of buyers will take her advice. If Parker loves it - lots of buyers will dig deep to buy it.
The spat also revealed something that had been festering for many years. Remember a couple of paragraphs ago where Robert Parker said Jancis Robinson mirrored 'the comments of... reactionaries in Bordeaux'? This row was also about the soul of Bordeaux. Is this a region that makes wines of contemplative freshness and vigour, structured around a firm spine? Or is it about luxuriating in plush cushions of velveteen flavour? Eventually a row that had previously been confined to Parker and Robinson and their respective gangs giving each other evils in the refectory at lunch, spilled out into (metaphorical) shoving by the bike sheds.
The row gradually fizzled out. Like most playground spats. As the bell rang for the end of break, Parker issued the sort of declaration you come up with when you know the teacher won't actually let it happen.
"[W]e all need to approach this with a sense of humor.... it's time to have a celebrity death match...with the loser being drowned in a vat of St-Emilion garagiste brew".
Meanwhile, sensible voices in the wine world looked on like a teacher in their cords and tweed jacket with leatherette elbow patches. 'That's enough Parker, now get to Maths. You too Robinson. And don't come all butter-wouldn't-melt with me either. I know you did it to bait him.'
If the two biggest critics can't agree on one of the most distinctive wines of the decade, how reliable are wine critics' reviews?
Well, now I need the even spikier bit!
"I’ve an even spikier bit that my agent said I was on no account to publish. Ever. If enough of you ask, I’ll do it next week."
Do it. Doooo iiiiiiit!